Love and Jealousy
Jealousy is a funny thing. It turns even the nicest people into obsessed sociopaths. The amount I obsess over Beardedhotties (name I’m giving so it will never get back to him that I’m obsessing via internet) ex girlfriend is enough to make me disgusted in myself. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? He says I have nothing to be jealous about, yet he still texts her things like ‘I miss you’ and ‘I love you’. Yes, the I love you’s are also a gratitude response; friendship sounding, but they still have me on edge.
I recently pinpointed all of my jealousy and told him. I’m usually honest about my feelings but this time it became psycho relevant. Should I be this jealous? We aren’t truly dating. We’ve been ‘together’ since June, but he can’t ever make the commitment. We’re ‘basically dating’ as he put it. He wants the freedom to sleep with other people without actually using the freedom.
Mostly all this rant is proving is how uncontrollably in love I feel with him and how irritated I am that he can’t move on with his life. He still has feelings for her, however dull they are, and I can’t move into his heart with her still crowding even the slightest corner.
Maybe I don’t mean as much to him as I assume I do. Maybe this is just meaningless sex but virtuous friendship. He cares enough about me to keep me in his life but not enough to care if I leave. Not the greatest feeling to fall asleep to.
For now though, he is with me and is always honest. He isn’t in her bed and he still hangs out with me on a daily basis. Maybe it isn’t the dream relationship you read about in books, but it’s probably good enough that I shouldn’t complain as much as I do. I might not be the girl he is with forever but at least he let me be a girl in his life for some duration.